Creating a Support System: A Good Friend

I wish I had realized sooner that there were many simple things I could have done right from the beginning of residency to start building a support system for myself.  For a long time I pridefully tried to do most things on my own.  It took me much too long to realize I needed to allow others to help me, and at the very least let them be aware of my life and struggles, so they could have greater compassion and understanding for my shortcomings.  Having this support system earlier on would have made my life a lot less stressed and blessed our entire family.

Today I want to talk about the importance of having a good friend.

No matter how outgoing or reserved you are, everyone needs friends.  I think this is especially true for women.  There is something special about women connecting and supporting each other.

They don't have to be an OMFS wife.  Its true an OMFS wife might be more likely to understand and empathize with your situation but really all you need is a friend that is good at listening.

My husband is amazing and always willing to listen but I know its also a burden on him to listen to all my worries and complaints all the time.  I often write in my journal (or here) as an outlet but humans need humans and it is so healing to connect with another human being.*

Where we live there are all kinds of different graduate programs so there's lots of turn over.  I've had lots of different close friends, usually one or two really close friends at a time.  Having someone that I feel like I can call on to watch my kids anytime or jut chat about life has been so huge for me.  I've had a few friends that have listened to me go on and on about frustrations and worries.  They've really seen my worst self and I love them for still being my friend.  One winter I felt particularly isolated and it was the hardest winter of my life.  Looking back on that time I realized that because of sickness and distance of friends I had the least amount of human contact that year.  I learned after that season how important it was for me to have human connection on a regular basis.

Before we began residency my sister in law (whose husband has a crazy and intense schedule as well) told me the advice that she was given was to hire a baby sitter at least once a week to take a few hours to herself (socializing or whatever she needed).  Hopefully you are in the position to do this.  We haven't always been able to do that but I know it would have made a world of difference.  If you can't hire a babysitter hopefully you can find a friend to swap babysitting with.  Set up play dates. Connect with people through church, playgroups, mommy and me classes, city programs, neighbors,  your child's school...any way you can.

How do you connect and make friends?

*It is very important for women to connect with other WOMEN in this type of a situation.  I'm not going to go into details here but I will say I've read enough research and heard enough sad stories to know that confiding worries and stresses with the opposite gender that is not your spouse can be dangerous to your marriage.

Creating a Support System: Church Family

I wish I had realized sooner that there were many simple things I could have done right from the beginning of residency to start building a support system for myself.  For a long time I pridefully tried to do most things on my own.  It took me much too long to realize I needed to allow others to help me, and at the very least let them be aware of my life and struggles, so they could have greater compassion and understanding for my shortcomings.  Having this support system earlier on would have made my life a lot less stressed and blessed our entire family.

I  want to talk today about having a Church family

Our family is blessed to have a strong supportive system through our church.

The first non OMFS contact I made in our new home was a member of our church.  We made a trip to house hunt a month before we moved and she and her husband invited us over to answer questions we had about the area.  She knew nothing about us and she invited us into her home anyway.  That meant so much to both of us and they were beyond helpful in us ultimately deciding where to live.  During our first year, those I knew from church were my biggest support and I wouldn't have gotten through that year without them.  They spoiled me on my first birthday in our new home.  They helped me with my 2 year old at church and passed on much needed winter clothes that we didn't have yet. They brought me meals long after my baby was born and they gave us the inside scoop to our new city.  They are people we will never forget.

My church family also gave me a place to focus my attention.  There were people in our city and church family that were much worse off than us and it gave me a chance to serve and think of others.  It helped me to not focus on how hard things were for me all the time.  As busy and difficult as things were for me, I was happiest when I was serving.  I was very limited in the things I could do, but there was always something I could do to serve others and my church family gave me opportunities to serve I wouldn't have had anywhere else.

Our church family has also been a blessing to my children. When my youngest was just over a year he came down with a condition that required a short hospital stay.  I had to stay overnight with him and it was impossible for my husband to take time off for our oldest.  Thankfully we had a friend who was so willing to watch our little boy even though it was last minute (I actually had multiple amazing friends offer).  I remember chatting with the doctor the next day and talking to him about how my husband was in residency, so he knew we had only lived there a short while.  He asked how it was we knew someone so quickly that we felt comfortable leaving our child with them.  I told him church.

Its then that I realized that not everyone has a church family they can rely on and how blessed we were to be a part of such a wonderful support system.

Creating a Support System: Connecting with other OMFS wives

I wish I had realized sooner that there were many simple things I could have done right from the beginning of residency to start building a support system for myself.  For a long time I pridefully tried to do most things on my own.  It took me much too long to realize I needed to allow others to help me, and at the very least let them be aware of my life and struggles, so they could have greater compassion and understanding for my shortcomings.  Having this support system earlier on would have made my life a lot less stressed and blessed our entire family.

Today I want to talk about maybe an obvious one: connecting with other Oral Surgery Wives.

A group of women is nice, but even just one good OMFS friend will make all the difference.

I only knew a handful of OMFS wives when we started residency.

I connected with a few online (probably around 5) before residency started but they were one time connections.  There was a couple that went to dental school with us and also moved to the same city we did for OMFS.  They were in a different program though so our situations were pretty different and we lived pretty far from each other.  Our first year of residency there were 4 other wives in our program.  Three of these wives had one child or more (out of 8 Residents and 2 Interns).

Because of the nature of the city we lived in we were all spread out.  I met all of the wives once or twice at the beginning of residency and the rest of the first year I only had contact with one of them.  Even though we didn't live close to this OMFS wife she was my biggest support.  She invited me places, told me what she knew about the city, had me over to her house and let me overstay my welcome (every time).  She listened to my frustrations and concerns and offered to watch my little boy multiple times (even though she had 4 of her own).  I wouldn't have gotten through the first year without her.

The next two years one of the other wives in our program and I began to connect more.  She also became a huge support and sounding board for me.  She would encourage me and let me know things would get better.  She would meet up with my boys and me for playdates, invited us over for holidays and at the time was the person that understood my situation the most.  We could relate with each other in a lot of ways and it was such a comfort every time we connected.  It mattered less to me that these women and I physically got together but made my day to just get a text or email checking in on me.

Like I've mentioned several times before, every program is set up  different.  In some programs, like ours, everyone is spread out and it can be difficult to get together.  In other programs the residents are in closer proximity, even the same building.  Whether you live near or far support each other.  Listen to each other.  Don't let politics of the program drive a wedge. Allow it to bring you closer together to make those years easier on everyone.

If you personally find that you are in a position that you need less support and can give some to others, PLEASE don't hesitate to do so. If you're struggling with residency, make the first move to reach out to others so you can build your support.  If you can make these connections and build this support before residency starts, all the better.

Lets take the opportunity to ease each others burdens.