A friend of a friend sent me this about their experience in an OMFS program in Washington state:
Every program is different. Each program has it's own set of internal politics to get used to and rotation schedules and nasty and/or tolerable attendings. ;) Each program varies, of course. So there are some things from my viewpoint that are particular to our residency, I'm sure.... But overall, my number one piece of advice is to learn how to manage your own expectations (and not have any) and how to live life on your own happily. :) Do you have any children? We have three boys, which plays a role into some of my thoughts/advice, I'm sure.
At first my husband would tell me about what time he would be home in the evenings.... and then when a case took a bad turn and went longer than originally planned and he didn't get home until 10 or 11pm, it wasn't fun. The first few times this happened, it wasn't a big deal. But then when we had something planned or an event at my son's school that he ended up missing when we were expecting him or when the kids started acting out because they hadn't seen their dad in a week... that's when it got hard. I had to learn to not have any expectations. [My husband] learned not to tell me when he thought he was going to be home until he was a few blocks away. Some nights he would call as he left the hospital to let me know he was on his way home, only to get paged in a couple of minutes later and have to turn around and go back.
I know it sounds kind of harsh, but I've learned to just live life and plan things and go out and about with my boys in the evenings and on the weekends on my own... and if [my husband] happens to get home or be around, great, he can join us. If not, life just moves on. Wow... typing that out sounds mean. :) But I think it would have been helpful if I had known how to manage my expectations coming into this. And things have gotten better as the years have gone on. [My husband] now has more time off and call is isn't as rough, and we've learned to manage the hard times better.
Also, my boys have a really rough time when they go for days without seeing their dad. I've had to learn how to be a little more patient and learn how to preempt some of their down times.
The first couple of years are the worst, as you start your intern year and climb up the seniority ladder. I hope your husband is matched up with some good co-residents. That makes a HUGE difference! He will learn most everything from his chief and senior residents, and they have the power to make his life absolutely miserable or to make the most of his time in a constructive way.
I've also had to learn how to manage my expectations for when my husband is "home." Every resident is different, of course. I know some of [my husbands] co-residents don't do the reading he does. But even when my husband is physically home, he's not always really here. He's in his office prepping for the next day's case, reading journal articles on an upcoming surgery, putting case reviews together to present to the faculty, dictating the day's reports, or (for us now) studying for boards, etc. I do love when he's home, even when he has things to do. It makes a huge difference to my boys. And even if he gets home at 11pm, at least we get to sleep together. It beats sleeping alone, even if I haven't had a real conversation with him for days. But it's just something to keep in mind.
During the bad rotations when [my husband's] hours have been long and life does go on, it can be hard when he all of sudden is back into our home life... Because routines go on and even change, discipline has to happen with the kids and hard things have come up that I couldn't talk in depth with [mu husband] about in a timely manner. I just say this to try to give you an idea of what you can prepare for. As much as I LOVE [my husband] coming home after a two week emergency department night shift and we actually get to see him, sometimes it's also hard having him back, with him not knowing what has been going on. Not sure if that really makes sense.
So,... I guess in short, be prepared to manage your expectations, live life on your own and to enjoy the moments you do get together. I hope some of this helps. Please feel free to email with any specific questions you may have. I promise to reply more quickly this time. :)
I don't think I said enough good. I guess I was just thinking of what hard things to "prepare" you for. :) [My husband] has had an amazing experience, and we are very grateful to be where we are and doing what we're doing. He LOVES oral surgery, and for that I am very grateful. I don't think I could have made it through the long hours if he didn't love what he was doing.
With that said, another thought did come to me after I sent the below... residency can be rough on a marriage. The UW residency here requires a four month external rotation out of state, which we spent much of apart. And the long hours and late nights and lack of resources/income can definitely put a strain on emotions. There have definitely been moments of loneliness and frustration on my part...
It's the little things that have made all the difference for us. As small as they may sound, the mid day texts, brief phone calls/emails, notes, and family prayers over facetime have helped to keep my husband and I close during the weeks (or months) we barely saw each other. There have been many times I've had to remind myself that as hard as life is for me, things are pretty rough on his end as well... and he has to go about his work knowing his choices and career are straining our family. There have been multiple times where I've had to remind myself to be a little more selfless and to think of ways to help ease his burden... rather than focusing on my lonely frustrations at home. I don't know if you're of the LDS faith or if you're religious at all, but for us, prayer and family home evenings have been an anchor. Just don't forget the daily, seemingly little things when life gets bumpy (which I guess is a good thing to remember anytime in life, right?) :)
Okay... you're probably saying "enough already." :) I hope I didn't overwhelm you. I'm sure you guys will do wonderfully and have an amazing experience, just as we've had!! It's a fantastic adventure!
