Creating a Support System: Neighbors

I wish I had realized sooner that there were many simple things I could have done right from the beginning of residency to start building a support system for myself.  For a long time I pridefully tried to do most things on my own.  It took me much too long to realize I needed to allow others to help me, and at the very least let them be aware of my life and struggles, so they could have greater compassion and understanding for my shortcomings.  Having this support system earlier on would have made my life a lot less stressed and blessed our entire family.

Today I want to talk about neighbors.

When we moved to our new home to start residency I was almost halfway through my pregnancy with our second child and had an almost 2 year old.  We moved to a condo building surrounded by childless households.  I had the impression a couple months into our move that I should bring some treats to our neighbors and introduce ourselves.  I felt a little awkward because the closest holiday was Halloween (I felt I needed something to bring and an additional reason to knock on their door).  My husband was never home so it would be just me and my little one and I hate doing things on my own.  I didn't act on the impression.  I felt like I should do it again at Christmas but we were feeling just sick enough for it to be another reason not to act.
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Fast forward to a year and a half into residency.  I finally decided to bring goodies around at Christmas time but only after getting complaints from our neighbors about loud children.  It was really more of an apology effort and only two of our 6 neighbors were home.  The next year we went around again.  This time all of our neighbors were home and were so kind and grateful for the effort we extended.  It gave them a chance to put a face with their (sometimes noisy) neighbors and hopefully gained us cute/nice points with all of them.  A few weeks later one of our neighbors returned the gesture by bringing us homemade bread.

When our neighbor returned the favor it made me realize what a support I could have created much earlier.  For a long while I was so busy and stressed I had the mentality that all I had time for was to worry about myself and my family and I had to do it all alone because, mostly, I didn't know anyone and didn't have time to get to know anyone.  How wrong I was!  I'm sure if we had initially introduced ourselves and even let our neighbors know in advance our situation I'm sure we would have had understanding and even helpful neighbors. In fact our neighbors next door will often give me a heads up about things going on in the building and are always friendly.  I wish I had listened to that voice and had the courage to reach out sooner.

Adjusting to Change

I have to admit, I've had a harder time adjusting to residency than I thought I would. 

I prepared myself for my husband never being around, and some days he's home more than I expect and its a wonderful surprise.  But there's also a lot I haven't expected. Like...

Parenting

     It's been really hard to try to have a normal parenting style or be consistent when my husband is actually home.  Our children only want to be with dad when he's around and I want them to have good memories of their small time together.  But children aren't always well behaved when they're thrown off schedule or something new happens.  I don't want to be the bad guy when dad is around, but I don't want our children to have dad only disciplining him when he's home.  So its been a rough balance of trying to keep consistency while fostering positive experiences.

Finances

    This is by far the BIGGEST adjustment.  We didn't live in luxury in dental school, but because of our situation we lived relatively comfortable. But now with taxes, unions fees and retirement funds being taken out of our paycheck (not to mention a handful of other costs) we have much less than we were expecting.  I've struggled with feeling like our family has all their needs met.

Lonliness

Often times I feel very alone.  Physically and emotionally.  I feel like no one can understand what I'm going through.  Normally I would rely on my husband for comfort, but that isn't really possible when he's never really home.  I can talk to friends and family, but its hard for them to really  understand what I'm going through.  I can talk to friends locally, but they have busy lives too.  I often find myself turning to my faith to help me get through the days or weeks.  Sometimes I think life is just meant to be a little hard. 

Change can be hard to adjust to.  I liked this quote I came across recently:

There's always something to gain.  It may not always be immediate but it is always there.  I have to remind myself often that one day life will be different.  If not now, then in the future one day, I will look back at these experiences and see how they have made me stronger and all that I have gained.


The number one thing that has made all the difference with these struggles is having a support group.  I have found over our time here there is a lot of sources to turn towards but that I had to put forth an effort in order to receive that support.  Over the next few weeks I will be posting a series about how to create your own support during residency.  Stay turned to ideas and sources.