Be Confident

A few years ago I was talking with my sister-in-law (whose husband is an investment banker) and asking her how she handles her husband being gone so much.  We talked about a lot of things, but one thing that has stuck with me is her telling me that you have to be confident in yourself.  About a month or so prior to our conversation she had an experience where the  pipes backed up in their kitchen and got icky drainage water everywhere (it happened a few times in a row actually).  It was a big pain, but she couldn't rely on her husband to help in any way.  She had to figure out how to handle and take care of the situation herself.  And you know what, she did and it was fine.

 

I consider myself fairly independent, but there are certain things that I feel like my husband is just better at handling so I usually refer them to him.  For example, fixing stuff.  I was raised to use tools and fix things myself, but I've learned through our marriage that my husband tends to be able to do it much faster than I can.  I find my time is better spent doing other things, so I let him handle the fixing. 

The other day we had a clogged tub.  Since we only have one tub and I couldn't give my son a bath, I was hoping my husband would have time to fix it fairly quickly.  But it was a week where he was on call almost every other night and I knew he would be tired.  So, one day while my son was watching a show, I looked up how to take apart the drain stop, I opened the drain, cleared it out and had the tub working in 10 minutes.  I was very proud of myself, not for just doing it, but doing it quickly.  A few nights ago our toilet paper holder came apart.  Its not like any kind we had before and I wasn't really sure how it worked, but I knew my husband had tweaked it in the past so when the weekend came I asked him to fix it.  He insisted that nothing needed to be tightened or twisted, but when I went to use it, it fell apart again.  I didn't want to bother him with it because I prefer that he either gets rest or spends time with our son when he can.  Looking closer I found the problem and, once again, had it fixed in just a few minutes. 

 

I'm not usually so quick at being handy, so I can't take all the credit for myself.  I know the Lord has quickened my understanding so I can take care of the things that need to be done.  They may sound like silly examples, but its these experiences that build confidence in myself and let me know that (with the Lords help) I can figure out and handle anything.

Learning from other's experiences

In deciding whether Oral Surgery Life was right for our family, we tried to look for examples around us of others that held a similar lifestyle as a surgeon.  We were fortunate to have my husband's brother and his family as a type of example. 

His brother chose to go into investment banking.  It is not uncommon for him to work 100-120 hour weeks.  He has a pager that he wears and can be called into work at any time to work on a deal.  For that reason, they never travel more than an hour away.  They can also never commit to anything because they never know if he is going to have to work or is going to get called into work. 

They had their third child not long after he began his job.  They were fortunate enough to find an apartment that was only 5 minutes from his work.  This allows them to spend some extra time together that they normally wouldn't have.  They will meet him for lunch on occasion and sometimes he can come home for dinner before he goes back to work. 

I talked to my sister-in-law many times about how she deals with their situation.  It is definitely a struggle for her.  She has her hands full all day and most of the night.  Sometimes her husband will come home just before bed and the kids will get riled up wanting to play with dad, which means a rough day following.  She will have her schedule of things to do, her husband will come home unexpected and things suddenly change. 

It was definitely a change of lifestyle, but they adjusted.  It is exhausting for their family and although not exactly the same as residency life, there were many similarities when I spoke with other surgery wives.  It helped me to see how hard that lifestyle can be, helped me to visualize the future to see if I could handle it, but most importantly, draw strength from my sister-in-laws experiences and advice. 

My hope is that, if you don't have someone like this in your life to draw on, that you can find what you need here on this blog to help your family make the right decision for you.

Interviews

We were told to expect to pay around $10,000 between applications fees and interviews.  This will vary based on how many programs you apply to and interview at, how far you have to travel as well as if you have any connections for flights or hotels (friends to stay with, free flights etc) during the interview process, but we personally found it to be fairly accurate.

One thing you can do to help your husband is to find hotels (or friends or family to stay with) and flights.  Some schools are supportive of their dental students pursuing specailties and will have no problem with them missing clinic or class time, but our school wasn't, so we had to be very careful about when we scheduled his flights.

Because my husband had so many interviews close together he was gone for 2 weeks straight.  Traveling through so many time zones so close together was rough on him.  Not to mention it was rough on our little boy having dad leave for a few days, be home for a few days only to leave again (our little boy is also extremely attached to his dad) so that is what was best for us.  Again, something you have to prepare yourself for.

Ask your husband to inform you about what each of the programs are like after he interviews there.  It will help you decide together which program is best for your family.  Your husband will be looking for different things than you.  He will want to know what the program focus is, how many residents they take, the personalities of residents and attendings, and how many hospitals the program services (which should matter to you too because the more travel your husband has the less time he is at home).  Those things should be important to you too because it will determine how happy your husband is in his residency.  The things you might be more interested in are things like: cost of living, how close you can live to his program (and thus how long of a commute it will be), schools, friends and family that live nearby, things to do nearby (parks, museums etc.) and the safety of the areas.  Ask your husband to try to pay attention to these things if they come up.  You might want to ask him to make connections with residents there too.  If there are any residents with wives that are willing to speak with you, it will give you a better idea of what that program will be like. 

The most important advice I received about this step of the process is:
DON'T GET ATTACHED TO ANY PROGRAMS

It's hard to do because you want to be informed so you can make a good decision about ranking the programs, but you don't have any control over where you go, so you don't want to be disappointed when you don't get into your favorite program. 

Just keep in mind all the pros and cons so, if you do match, you can refer to the pros list of the programs your husband gets into and start getting excited about your new home.