Creating a Support System- Faith and Hope

***Did I take long enough to post the last part of this series?  This post was the most important to me so I was thinking a lot and writing a lot and re-writing a lot and then I got hit with nausea and exhaustion (another baby coming guys!).  But I'm finally ready to post and it seems fitting to post this in the middle of a bleak winter***


I wish I had realized sooner that there were many simple things I could have done right from the beginning of residency to start building a support system for myself.  For a long time I pridefully tried to do most things on my own.  It didn't take long for me to realize I needed to allow others to help me and at the very least let them be aware of my life and struggles so they could have greater compassion and understanding for my shortcomings.  Having this support system earlier on would have made my life a lot less stressed.  
I want to talk today about the thing I could not have gotten through residency without: 
Faith and Hope

**If you are not religious I would encourage you to still read this post.  I cannot separate my beliefs from my experiences but I do believe that everyone has hope in something and I think no matter what you believe you can find some kind of encouragement here.

Bet you thought I disappeared.  I have been pondering the last post of this series for quite some time.  My In-laws left this summer to serve a mission for our church.  They both spoke in church the Sunday before they left and my mother-in-law spoke about hope.  I've been pondering over her words and reading some of the sources she shared in that talk.

You may not be religious or believe in a higher power but I have been religious my whole life.   However I never had the need to put my faith into action more than when we began residency.  When all was said and done, above all else the thing that has supported me and sustained me, the most is my faith and hope.

There were many times that I had no other support immediately around me.  You can only ask for help so many times before you start becoming a burden on others.   I felt alone many times and these were the times that I knew the only person that understood me were my Father in Heaven and Jesus Christ so I knew I needed to put my faith in them.

Hope, on the other hand, does not necessarily have anything to do with a higher being.

A large part of residency I struggled with depression.  I didn't realize it at the time.  A lot of what I held on to was just the hope that things would get better.  To be honest, there were many days that the misery felt never ending.  I couldn't really imagine things better.  I would hear now and then people say how worth it residency was and how much better things get after but I didn't know if I believed them.  But I had to have hope.  I had to have something to look forward to and hold on to.
Sometimes the goal of post residency was too far removed to help much so I would hold on to more immediate hopes, like a chance to be together for more than a couple hours as a family with an upcoming break.

 My mother in law shared the talk, "An High Priest of Good Things to Come" by Elder Jeffery R. Holland (November 1999 Ensign). Elder Holland is one of my favorite speakers and people and this talk is just fabulous.  You really should read or listen to the talk in its entirety now and especially when you're feeling low and hopeless.

I will just share two of the quotes I love the most:

"Everyone has times when we need to know it will get better...For emotional and spiritual stamina, everyone needs to be able to look forward to some respite, to something pleasant and renewing and hopeful, whether that blessing be near at hand or still some distance ahead.  It is enough just to know we can get there, that however measured or far away, there is the promise of 'good things to come'.

He then shares a story of when he was a young father and was discouraged at his present circumstances.  And looking back he gives this advice to his young self that I think is so encouraging.  He says, "Don't give up...Don't you quit.  You keep walking.  You keep trying.  There is help and happiness ahead....You keep your chin up.  It will be all right in the end.  Trust God and believe in good things to come."

So that would be my message.  If residency is feeling tough or hard or long or like its just getting old, remember this:
It will be all right in the end.   Believe in Good things to come.

Creating a Support System: A Good Friend

I wish I had realized sooner that there were many simple things I could have done right from the beginning of residency to start building a support system for myself.  For a long time I pridefully tried to do most things on my own.  It took me much too long to realize I needed to allow others to help me, and at the very least let them be aware of my life and struggles, so they could have greater compassion and understanding for my shortcomings.  Having this support system earlier on would have made my life a lot less stressed and blessed our entire family.

Today I want to talk about the importance of having a good friend.

No matter how outgoing or reserved you are, everyone needs friends.  I think this is especially true for women.  There is something special about women connecting and supporting each other.

They don't have to be an OMFS wife.  Its true an OMFS wife might be more likely to understand and empathize with your situation but really all you need is a friend that is good at listening.

My husband is amazing and always willing to listen but I know its also a burden on him to listen to all my worries and complaints all the time.  I often write in my journal (or here) as an outlet but humans need humans and it is so healing to connect with another human being.*

Where we live there are all kinds of different graduate programs so there's lots of turn over.  I've had lots of different close friends, usually one or two really close friends at a time.  Having someone that I feel like I can call on to watch my kids anytime or jut chat about life has been so huge for me.  I've had a few friends that have listened to me go on and on about frustrations and worries.  They've really seen my worst self and I love them for still being my friend.  One winter I felt particularly isolated and it was the hardest winter of my life.  Looking back on that time I realized that because of sickness and distance of friends I had the least amount of human contact that year.  I learned after that season how important it was for me to have human connection on a regular basis.

Before we began residency my sister in law (whose husband has a crazy and intense schedule as well) told me the advice that she was given was to hire a baby sitter at least once a week to take a few hours to herself (socializing or whatever she needed).  Hopefully you are in the position to do this.  We haven't always been able to do that but I know it would have made a world of difference.  If you can't hire a babysitter hopefully you can find a friend to swap babysitting with.  Set up play dates. Connect with people through church, playgroups, mommy and me classes, city programs, neighbors,  your child's school...any way you can.

How do you connect and make friends?

*It is very important for women to connect with other WOMEN in this type of a situation.  I'm not going to go into details here but I will say I've read enough research and heard enough sad stories to know that confiding worries and stresses with the opposite gender that is not your spouse can be dangerous to your marriage.

Creating a Support System: Church Family

I wish I had realized sooner that there were many simple things I could have done right from the beginning of residency to start building a support system for myself.  For a long time I pridefully tried to do most things on my own.  It took me much too long to realize I needed to allow others to help me, and at the very least let them be aware of my life and struggles, so they could have greater compassion and understanding for my shortcomings.  Having this support system earlier on would have made my life a lot less stressed and blessed our entire family.

I  want to talk today about having a Church family

Our family is blessed to have a strong supportive system through our church.

The first non OMFS contact I made in our new home was a member of our church.  We made a trip to house hunt a month before we moved and she and her husband invited us over to answer questions we had about the area.  She knew nothing about us and she invited us into her home anyway.  That meant so much to both of us and they were beyond helpful in us ultimately deciding where to live.  During our first year, those I knew from church were my biggest support and I wouldn't have gotten through that year without them.  They spoiled me on my first birthday in our new home.  They helped me with my 2 year old at church and passed on much needed winter clothes that we didn't have yet. They brought me meals long after my baby was born and they gave us the inside scoop to our new city.  They are people we will never forget.

My church family also gave me a place to focus my attention.  There were people in our city and church family that were much worse off than us and it gave me a chance to serve and think of others.  It helped me to not focus on how hard things were for me all the time.  As busy and difficult as things were for me, I was happiest when I was serving.  I was very limited in the things I could do, but there was always something I could do to serve others and my church family gave me opportunities to serve I wouldn't have had anywhere else.

Our church family has also been a blessing to my children. When my youngest was just over a year he came down with a condition that required a short hospital stay.  I had to stay overnight with him and it was impossible for my husband to take time off for our oldest.  Thankfully we had a friend who was so willing to watch our little boy even though it was last minute (I actually had multiple amazing friends offer).  I remember chatting with the doctor the next day and talking to him about how my husband was in residency, so he knew we had only lived there a short while.  He asked how it was we knew someone so quickly that we felt comfortable leaving our child with them.  I told him church.

Its then that I realized that not everyone has a church family they can rely on and how blessed we were to be a part of such a wonderful support system.

Creating a Support System: Connecting with other OMFS wives

I wish I had realized sooner that there were many simple things I could have done right from the beginning of residency to start building a support system for myself.  For a long time I pridefully tried to do most things on my own.  It took me much too long to realize I needed to allow others to help me, and at the very least let them be aware of my life and struggles, so they could have greater compassion and understanding for my shortcomings.  Having this support system earlier on would have made my life a lot less stressed and blessed our entire family.

Today I want to talk about maybe an obvious one: connecting with other Oral Surgery Wives.

A group of women is nice, but even just one good OMFS friend will make all the difference.

I only knew a handful of OMFS wives when we started residency.

I connected with a few online (probably around 5) before residency started but they were one time connections.  There was a couple that went to dental school with us and also moved to the same city we did for OMFS.  They were in a different program though so our situations were pretty different and we lived pretty far from each other.  Our first year of residency there were 4 other wives in our program.  Three of these wives had one child or more (out of 8 Residents and 2 Interns).

Because of the nature of the city we lived in we were all spread out.  I met all of the wives once or twice at the beginning of residency and the rest of the first year I only had contact with one of them.  Even though we didn't live close to this OMFS wife she was my biggest support.  She invited me places, told me what she knew about the city, had me over to her house and let me overstay my welcome (every time).  She listened to my frustrations and concerns and offered to watch my little boy multiple times (even though she had 4 of her own).  I wouldn't have gotten through the first year without her.

The next two years one of the other wives in our program and I began to connect more.  She also became a huge support and sounding board for me.  She would encourage me and let me know things would get better.  She would meet up with my boys and me for playdates, invited us over for holidays and at the time was the person that understood my situation the most.  We could relate with each other in a lot of ways and it was such a comfort every time we connected.  It mattered less to me that these women and I physically got together but made my day to just get a text or email checking in on me.

Like I've mentioned several times before, every program is set up  different.  In some programs, like ours, everyone is spread out and it can be difficult to get together.  In other programs the residents are in closer proximity, even the same building.  Whether you live near or far support each other.  Listen to each other.  Don't let politics of the program drive a wedge. Allow it to bring you closer together to make those years easier on everyone.

If you personally find that you are in a position that you need less support and can give some to others, PLEASE don't hesitate to do so. If you're struggling with residency, make the first move to reach out to others so you can build your support.  If you can make these connections and build this support before residency starts, all the better.

Lets take the opportunity to ease each others burdens.  

Creating a Support System: Neighbors

I wish I had realized sooner that there were many simple things I could have done right from the beginning of residency to start building a support system for myself.  For a long time I pridefully tried to do most things on my own.  It took me much too long to realize I needed to allow others to help me, and at the very least let them be aware of my life and struggles, so they could have greater compassion and understanding for my shortcomings.  Having this support system earlier on would have made my life a lot less stressed and blessed our entire family.

Today I want to talk about neighbors.

When we moved to our new home to start residency I was almost halfway through my pregnancy with our second child and had an almost 2 year old.  We moved to a condo building surrounded by childless households.  I had the impression a couple months into our move that I should bring some treats to our neighbors and introduce ourselves.  I felt a little awkward because the closest holiday was Halloween (I felt I needed something to bring and an additional reason to knock on their door).  My husband was never home so it would be just me and my little one and I hate doing things on my own.  I didn't act on the impression.  I felt like I should do it again at Christmas but we were feeling just sick enough for it to be another reason not to act.
+965
Fast forward to a year and a half into residency.  I finally decided to bring goodies around at Christmas time but only after getting complaints from our neighbors about loud children.  It was really more of an apology effort and only two of our 6 neighbors were home.  The next year we went around again.  This time all of our neighbors were home and were so kind and grateful for the effort we extended.  It gave them a chance to put a face with their (sometimes noisy) neighbors and hopefully gained us cute/nice points with all of them.  A few weeks later one of our neighbors returned the gesture by bringing us homemade bread.

When our neighbor returned the favor it made me realize what a support I could have created much earlier.  For a long while I was so busy and stressed I had the mentality that all I had time for was to worry about myself and my family and I had to do it all alone because, mostly, I didn't know anyone and didn't have time to get to know anyone.  How wrong I was!  I'm sure if we had initially introduced ourselves and even let our neighbors know in advance our situation I'm sure we would have had understanding and even helpful neighbors. In fact our neighbors next door will often give me a heads up about things going on in the building and are always friendly.  I wish I had listened to that voice and had the courage to reach out sooner.

Adjusting to Change

I have to admit, I've had a harder time adjusting to residency than I thought I would. 

I prepared myself for my husband never being around, and some days he's home more than I expect and its a wonderful surprise.  But there's also a lot I haven't expected. Like...

Parenting

     It's been really hard to try to have a normal parenting style or be consistent when my husband is actually home.  Our children only want to be with dad when he's around and I want them to have good memories of their small time together.  But children aren't always well behaved when they're thrown off schedule or something new happens.  I don't want to be the bad guy when dad is around, but I don't want our children to have dad only disciplining him when he's home.  So its been a rough balance of trying to keep consistency while fostering positive experiences.

Finances

    This is by far the BIGGEST adjustment.  We didn't live in luxury in dental school, but because of our situation we lived relatively comfortable. But now with taxes, unions fees and retirement funds being taken out of our paycheck (not to mention a handful of other costs) we have much less than we were expecting.  I've struggled with feeling like our family has all their needs met.

Lonliness

Often times I feel very alone.  Physically and emotionally.  I feel like no one can understand what I'm going through.  Normally I would rely on my husband for comfort, but that isn't really possible when he's never really home.  I can talk to friends and family, but its hard for them to really  understand what I'm going through.  I can talk to friends locally, but they have busy lives too.  I often find myself turning to my faith to help me get through the days or weeks.  Sometimes I think life is just meant to be a little hard. 

Change can be hard to adjust to.  I liked this quote I came across recently:

There's always something to gain.  It may not always be immediate but it is always there.  I have to remind myself often that one day life will be different.  If not now, then in the future one day, I will look back at these experiences and see how they have made me stronger and all that I have gained.


The number one thing that has made all the difference with these struggles is having a support group.  I have found over our time here there is a lot of sources to turn towards but that I had to put forth an effort in order to receive that support.  Over the next few weeks I will be posting a series about how to create your own support during residency.  Stay turned to ideas and sources.

3 Things to do Before Residency Starts

If you're preparing to start a Residency Program this summer the next couple months will be a very precious time for your family.  Here are just three things you should do for your family  before you start Residency.

BE TOGETHER!

Just be together.  Do your favorite things and take lots of pictures so you remember how much fun you have together.  You might have a lot to get done but try to do as much as possible together.

Next thing you should do BEFORE the first day of Residency (because after day 1 you won't have time)  is:

MAKE A PLAN

Sit down and make a plan.  Decide what is most important to you.  What is okay to fall by the wayside (which will be most things) and what will you make a strong effort to continue.  For us it was basic things like: dinner together (as much a possible), prayers together, scripture reading together, couple time...

As a part of this plan come up with creative ways to make your most important things happen.  My husband would facetime for a minute or two, if he could, when he had to be at the hospital late. I know a family whose husband had in house call so they would go eat dinner at the hospital with him.

Lastly:
COMMUNICATE

If it was important before it is crucial now.  You will have very little time to talk with each other so clear and concise communication helps.

This is something that I struggle with.  I'm such a talker, especially with my husband, that its hard to have to cut back on how much I talk to him and tell him because there simply isn't time. Ideally what I would be doing each day is picking out the key things that happened that day and let him know. What is also important is keeping the lines of communication open.   Don't hold on to things that are bothering you.  Make time to express what's hard for you so things don't build up.


You have a great adventure before you.  Will it stretch and challenge you? You bet!  But you can get through it and grow along the way.