3 Things to do Before Residency Starts

If you're preparing to start a Residency Program this summer the next couple months will be a very precious time for your family.  Here are just three things you should do for your family  before you start Residency.

BE TOGETHER!

Just be together.  Do your favorite things and take lots of pictures so you remember how much fun you have together.  You might have a lot to get done but try to do as much as possible together.

Next thing you should do BEFORE the first day of Residency (because after day 1 you won't have time)  is:

MAKE A PLAN

Sit down and make a plan.  Decide what is most important to you.  What is okay to fall by the wayside (which will be most things) and what will you make a strong effort to continue.  For us it was basic things like: dinner together (as much a possible), prayers together, scripture reading together, couple time...

As a part of this plan come up with creative ways to make your most important things happen.  My husband would facetime for a minute or two, if he could, when he had to be at the hospital late. I know a family whose husband had in house call so they would go eat dinner at the hospital with him.

Lastly:
COMMUNICATE

If it was important before it is crucial now.  You will have very little time to talk with each other so clear and concise communication helps.

This is something that I struggle with.  I'm such a talker, especially with my husband, that its hard to have to cut back on how much I talk to him and tell him because there simply isn't time. Ideally what I would be doing each day is picking out the key things that happened that day and let him know. What is also important is keeping the lines of communication open.   Don't hold on to things that are bothering you.  Make time to express what's hard for you so things don't build up.


You have a great adventure before you.  Will it stretch and challenge you? You bet!  But you can get through it and grow along the way.

Now What?

Match Day has come and gone.

Whether your husband matched or not let out a big sigh of relief and pat yourself on the back because you and your husband successfully completed applying to an Oral Surgery Program and that in itself is something to be congratulated on.

Now What?

If you didn't match:
That can really stink.  Partly because of all the time, money and energy you invested in applying.  Don't be too discouraged because you're not the first person to not get accepted into a program, especially if its your first time applying. If you're having doubts about continuing the Oral Surgery route you should seriously consider whether its the right thing for you and your family.  But really just take a few minutes because if you want another shot at Oral Surgery  you have to act quick.

Immediately start looking for an Internship.  There's not a one stop shop to do this.  Start contacting programs you interviewed with.  You have the advantage of them having met you and these places will give you the best shot at an Internship.

The good news is an Internship will open more programs for you when you reapply.  As I mentioned in a previous post, some programs ONLY accept interns.  Internships are much easier to come by than being fully accepted into a program.  If you happen to get multiple offers for an Internship and get to choose where you go to, there are a few things you might want to keep in mind.

-Letter of recommendations. This will be key for when you reapply.  If you don't intern at a program that will give you a good letter of recommendations its going to make getting accepted into a program that much more difficult.
-Consider the work load.  All programs are busy but if you are at a program that is exceptionally busy it will make it that much harder to apply, interview or re-take necessary tests.
-Continue to make connections.  Talk to as many people as possible.  You never know what connection will lead you in the right direction.
-Prepare, prepare, prepare.  If you're doing an internship you will basically be treated like a first year resident.  You'll be even busier because you'll be applying to programs again.  Before your internship begins talk to others and do all you can to prepare for residency life.


If you matched:
Hip hip hooray!!!  You did it!  Congratulations!! Take some time to celebrate!!!

Your life is about to change forever!!

You can sit and relax for a little bit because you have five months before you start.  You have dental school graduation and most likely a move.  Exciting things to plan for.
Your husband will most likely be contacted by the program director and talk to his program about what they expect of him.  If he can get a hold of any connections for you that will be ideal.  Here are some things you can ask the resident's spouse/s in your new program:

-What will your monthly net paycheck look like.
-Does anything get taken out of your paycheck (for example, my husband's program takes out money for parking, retirement, union dues etc. and you can't opt out of any of it).
-What are safe and affordable places to live.
- Does the program require that you live within a certain radius of where your husband will work?  Some programs require the residents be able to make it to the hospital within 15 minutes.
-Where are good schools.
-What is the typical schedule you can expect your husband to have
-Is there any weather you'll have to adjust to, buy clothes for etc.

Also decide if you want to take a trip to find housing and what time of year is best for that.  We were told nothing would even be available until the month before we were moving so we didn't take a house hunting trip until May.

Lastly I would recommend that you take the next few months to just enjoy  being together.  It will most likely be a difficult transition getting used to never seeing each other.

Good luck with all the future holds!!

Visualizing

I remember hearing about a story once where a professor took three groups of people and recorded how many free throws they could make.  He then had one group practice their free throws every day for 30 days.  The second group visualized making free throw shots every day for 30 days, and the last group did nothing.  After the 30 days the groups were once again tested on how many free throws they could make.  The last group didn't improve at all, the first group improved by 24% and the second group improved by 23%. 

I, as well as many others, have experienced the power of visualizing.  I know that I cope with things much better when I visualize it first.  From the moment my husband expressed interest in surgery I began visualizing what our life would be like, how I would react and cope with the new lifestyle.  Many situations I have visualized include:

What if I go into labor and my husband is stuck in surgery?
What kind of patience will I have to have when its been days since my husband has been home to help with the children?
How will I react when my husband finally is home but is too tired to help with anything because he's been on call all night?
What will I do if my car breaks down and my husband isn't available to help?
How will I cope with the unpredictability of every day?

Even with these visualizations and scenario practices it has still been difficult to cope with this change of lifestyle.  But as I prepare myself for these situations I am able to react much better when problems arise.

OMS wives, how have you dealt with and prepared for these type of situations?

Learning from other's experiences

In deciding whether Oral Surgery Life was right for our family, we tried to look for examples around us of others that held a similar lifestyle as a surgeon.  We were fortunate to have my husband's brother and his family as a type of example. 

His brother chose to go into investment banking.  It is not uncommon for him to work 100-120 hour weeks.  He has a pager that he wears and can be called into work at any time to work on a deal.  For that reason, they never travel more than an hour away.  They can also never commit to anything because they never know if he is going to have to work or is going to get called into work. 

They had their third child not long after he began his job.  They were fortunate enough to find an apartment that was only 5 minutes from his work.  This allows them to spend some extra time together that they normally wouldn't have.  They will meet him for lunch on occasion and sometimes he can come home for dinner before he goes back to work. 

I talked to my sister-in-law many times about how she deals with their situation.  It is definitely a struggle for her.  She has her hands full all day and most of the night.  Sometimes her husband will come home just before bed and the kids will get riled up wanting to play with dad, which means a rough day following.  She will have her schedule of things to do, her husband will come home unexpected and things suddenly change. 

It was definitely a change of lifestyle, but they adjusted.  It is exhausting for their family and although not exactly the same as residency life, there were many similarities when I spoke with other surgery wives.  It helped me to see how hard that lifestyle can be, helped me to visualize the future to see if I could handle it, but most importantly, draw strength from my sister-in-laws experiences and advice. 

My hope is that, if you don't have someone like this in your life to draw on, that you can find what you need here on this blog to help your family make the right decision for you.

Deciding to Apply

My husband started talking about Oral Surgery his second year of dental school.  He was concerned about the strain a residency would put on our family, but he also wasn't sure if he would be competitive enough to even get in.  Despite his concerns he didn't want to ruin his chances of getting in if he decided to go that route.  He knew Oral Surgery was extremely hard to get into and wanted to give himself the best possible chance, so he began getting involved in as many things as possible. 

He was already involved in running the schools Veteran's clinic but also got involved in research, indexing, ASDA, grading, and more.  All of this made him super busy which meant he wasn't around much.  It was hard for me, but it was a good introduction of what to expect during a residency and to see if I could handle it. 

Next he began his externships.  He did an externship during almost every week he had off during his entire third year (some schools are more supportive and will allow your husband to do this during the school year, but ours didn't).  He did an 80 hour emergency externship at the trauma center in town during his spring break.  He did a week long externship during one of his semester breaks in the spring and during his summer break he did two, week long externships in the Midwest and East coast.

All of this was very taxing on our family but it was good for us to evaluate and see if a residency was something my husband would love and something we would be willing to sacrifice together.  It was extremely important that we figured this out BEFORE we applied.

As we've gone through this process I've realized a few things.

1- Yes, residency life is hard, but everyone has hard things that go on in their life.  I've known people whose husbands work almost as many hours as a resident with no monetary reward to look forward to in the future.  If you decide residency life is right for you, remember: It's just 4-6 years and it will be worth it in the end.

2- Sacrifice is good.  M. Russell Ballard said, "Sacrifice is a demonstration of pure love...The principle of sacrifice should be taught in every Latter-day Saint home and should be practiced in many simple yet important ways. " (April, 1992).

As your husband sacrifices his time and energy to provide a good life for your family in the future and as you sacrifice your time and energy to allow your husband to focus on his job (hopefully something he loves), you are expressing pure love to one another and showing your children what pure love is. 

3- Even though residency life can be tough on the family and its not an ideal choice for a family, it HAS been done before.  Elder Russell M. Nelson is an internationally renowned surgeon and medical researcher. 

I found this link about Elder Nelson and loved what it said about his dedication to family:

"But no matter how involved Elder Nelson has been in important activities, his top concern has always been his family. His children say that he has always made it a priority to be at home when he is at home, and over the years, his devotion has repeatedly reassured them of their father’s love for them.  Even with a difficult schedule, he made time to establish a lasting relationship with each one."

4- Lastly.  Someone always has it harder.  I have a friend who is wonderful, has two young children under the age of 7 and has been a widow for almost two years.  Whenever I think my life is hard, I think of her and her challenges and more importantly, her strength.  Then I know I have strength to move forward.

Residency life isn't an easy road, but if you decide together that you want to pursue that route, you can do it and it will be worth it.