Advice- Knoxville and Nassau

Knoxville, TN

My husband is on call every 3 nights, has in-house call and is usually busy all night.

Tip: If you tell the physician (PCP) your husband is a resident, Dr. will usually cover co-pay

Take the opportunity to spend as much time together as possible.  We often go to the hospital to at least eat dinner together.  Our program is supportive of that but other programs may not be.

You have to BE STRONG!  Dad is gone so you have to be the strong one for the family.  It’s a tough four years but you have to push through.

Temple: 2 ½-3 hours away from Knoxville, Our Church building is 15 minutes away

East Meadow (Nassau), NY

We have a small ward with balanced dynamics and is the building is about 20 minutes away.  There is a medium sized primary.   We LOVE the ward.  It is our favorite ward ever, The Temple is about 40 to 60 minutes away with train and subway and about 45 minutes with no traffic if driving

Our apartment is provided by the program  and makes cost of living do-able (take straight from paycheck), There is good heating and cooling,  The apartment is ground level with 2^nd and 3^rd floor to live in, There is a BBQ and play area.  In general there is a pretty high cost of living because its an island.  Right now its around $3.80.

There are lots of things to do but most things cost money, Wading pools cost money but beach is 20 minutes away in either direction (north and south), There is a bounce house, mall (great), parks are in walking distance, There are lots of Museums.  Walmart, Mcdonalds, Target and everything else is within 15 to 25 minutes.

The weather is not bad.  The 30's is the coldest it gets.  It only snows once in a while, but not often, Hospitals are around 20 minutes away, Southshore is abou 30 minutes away.   Tons of hospitals, good insurance

Program specific info- Great program, My Husband loves it, On call every 3^rd night

                1^st year, course to take, drive to class once a week, 2^nd year- rotations, 6 months not on call, You can get along with one car.  Church is the only conflict

                Test to take every year (Omsite), Presentations- 1 month after work

                T/TH surgery days, M-F clinic, days are about 6:30/7-5pm

Advice- Yale

*I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormon) so there are questions and responses that are in reference to our religious faith and culture.

How close do you live to the hospital/how long is your husband's commute?We live 10 minutes from the hospital and I highly recommend living near by to reduce the travel time. My husband has home call, so living close to the hospital is wonderful for him to be able to come home for dinner almost every night. On nights that he is called in 2 to 3 times, Living close by is imperative for him to be able to come back and forth and still sleep in his bed.
New Haven is not very safe, and I wanted to be in the Woodbridge ward, which has a lot of young families and a big nursery and primary. I also wanted to be around 10 minutes or less from Matt's work, so I looked hard to find something in the two ZIP Codes that were in the Woodbridge ward yet still close to work. Well worth the effort.

In general, what is your cost of living/housing expense?Decent three-bedroom duplexes or houses in Hamden are between $1500-2000 a month.
Gas is expensive, car registration is expensive, state income taxes are expensive, and generally speaking cost-of-living is higher... The pay and benefits were better here than most other programs, so it almost balances out.

Do you feel safe being by yourself at night etc?In Hamden, absolutely. In New Haven,no.

Do you feel like there's plenty to do to keep you and the kids busy, especially in the winter?
The summer was incredible here, so many orchards, beaches, parks, and fun moms going on outings. During the winter people stay indoors a lot more, but there are still rotating playgroups, creative moms, and plenty to do. I am still working on my tutoring business, but many days I wish I wasn't so I can just focus on being a mom.

How is the church?Awesome. I will love our ward. There are so many young families in similar position. After only living here for three months, I had six people who had offered to watch [my toddler] or take me to the hospital when I had Eliza. So supportive. Lots of PhD and residency families.

Do you drive far to attend your meetings, the temple?Church is a 20 minute drive, but we are the only ward to meet in that building and we have 10 o'clock church always.
The temple is two hours away. Hard to get to with residency, babies, and a long drive.

Has it been a culture shock moving to the east?No, but I grew up in Maryland. [My husband] had a hard time adjusting to the humidity, but for the most part we love New England. Great history, houses with character, and supportive communities. There are a lot of west coasters in our ward.

Any additional advice you could share?Keep doing what you're doing with analyzing your rank list. Trust in prayer and good luck!
Be picky about commute and the ward you want to be in. Sometimes that can make a big difference.
Dive in and be proactive in your new ward and community, it helps a lot to feel supported on long days and weeks.
Expectations can be disheartening. For me to be happy, I live fairly independently taking care of our kids. That way I'm not upset if [my husband] gets home later than he wanted to, just happy to see him.

Does Your husband have work he has to complete at home?
When Matt is on oral surgery rotations, he has a few articles to read and occasional charts to draw at home, about 1-2 hrs/wk. not bad. He does a lot of reading during down moments at work. 

Advice- Washington

A friend of a friend sent me this about their experience in an OMFS program in Washington state: 

Every program is different. Each program has it's own set of internal politics to get used to and rotation schedules and nasty and/or tolerable attendings. ;) Each program varies, of course. So there are some things from my viewpoint that are particular to our residency, I'm sure.... But overall, my number one piece of advice is to learn how to manage your own expectations (and not have any) and how to live life on your own happily. :) Do you have any children? We have three boys, which plays a role into some of my thoughts/advice, I'm sure.

At first my husband would tell me about what time he would be home in the evenings.... and then when a case took a bad turn and went longer than originally planned and he didn't get home until 10 or 11pm, it wasn't fun. The first few times this happened, it wasn't a big deal. But then when we had something planned or an event at my son's school that he ended up missing when we were expecting him or when the kids started acting out because they hadn't seen their dad in a week... that's when it got hard. I had to learn to not have any expectations. [My husband] learned not to tell me when he thought he was going to be home until he was a few blocks away. Some nights he would call as he left the hospital to let me know he was on his way home, only to get paged in a couple of minutes later and have to turn around and go back.

I know it sounds kind of harsh, but I've learned to just live life and plan things and go out and about with my boys in the evenings and on the weekends on my own... and if [my husband] happens to get home or be around, great, he can join us. If not, life just moves on. Wow... typing that out sounds mean. :) But I think it would have been helpful if I had known how to manage my expectations coming into this. And things have gotten better as the years have gone on. [My husband] now has more time off and call is isn't as rough, and we've learned to manage the hard times better.

Also, my boys have a really rough time when they go for days without seeing their dad. I've had to learn how to be a little more patient and learn how to preempt some of their down times.

The first couple of years are the worst, as you start your intern year and climb up the seniority ladder. I hope your husband is matched up with some good co-residents. That makes a HUGE difference! He will learn most everything from his chief and senior residents, and they have the power to make his life absolutely miserable or to make the most of his time in a constructive way.

I've also had to learn how to manage my expectations for when my husband is "home." Every resident is different, of course. I know some of [my husbands] co-residents don't do the reading he does. But even when my husband is physically home, he's not always really here. He's in his office prepping for the next day's case, reading journal articles on an upcoming surgery, putting case reviews together to present to the faculty, dictating the day's reports, or (for us now) studying for boards, etc. I do love when he's home, even when he has things to do. It makes a huge difference to my boys. And even if he gets home at 11pm, at least we get to sleep together. It beats sleeping alone, even if I haven't had a real conversation with him for days. But it's just something to keep in mind.

During the bad rotations when [my husband's] hours have been long and life does go on, it can be hard when he all of sudden is back into our home life... Because routines go on and even change, discipline has to happen with the kids and hard things have come up that I couldn't talk in depth with [mu husband] about in a timely manner. I just say this to try to give you an idea of what you can prepare for. As much as I LOVE [my husband] coming home after a two week emergency department night shift and we actually get to see him, sometimes it's also hard having him back, with him not knowing what has been going on. Not sure if that really makes sense.

So,... I guess in short, be prepared to manage your expectations, live life on your own and to enjoy the moments you do get together. I hope some of this helps. Please feel free to email with any specific questions you may have. I promise to reply more quickly this time. :)


I don't think I said enough good. I guess I was just thinking of what hard things to "prepare" you for. :) [My husband] has had an amazing experience, and we are very grateful to be where we are and doing what we're doing. He LOVES oral surgery, and for that I am very grateful. I don't think I could have made it through the long hours if he didn't love what he was doing.

With that said, another thought did come to me after I sent the below... residency can be rough on a marriage. The UW residency here requires a four month external rotation out of state, which we spent much of apart. And the long hours and late nights and lack of resources/income can definitely put a strain on emotions. There have definitely been moments of loneliness and frustration on my part...

It's the little things that have made all the difference for us. As small as they may sound, the mid day texts, brief phone calls/emails, notes, and family prayers over facetime have helped to keep my husband and I close during the weeks (or months) we barely saw each other. There have been many times I've had to remind myself that as hard as life is for me, things are pretty rough on his end as well... and he has to go about his work knowing his choices and career are straining our family. There have been multiple times where I've had to remind myself to be a little more selfless and to think of ways to help ease his burden... rather than focusing on my lonely frustrations at home. I don't know if you're of the LDS faith or if you're religious at all, but for us, prayer and family home evenings have been an anchor. Just don't forget the daily, seemingly little things when life gets bumpy (which I guess is a good thing to remember anytime in life, right?) :)

Okay... you're probably saying "enough already." :) I hope I didn't overwhelm you. I'm sure you guys will do wonderfully and have an amazing experience, just as we've had!! It's a fantastic adventure!

Visualizing

I remember hearing about a story once where a professor took three groups of people and recorded how many free throws they could make.  He then had one group practice their free throws every day for 30 days.  The second group visualized making free throw shots every day for 30 days, and the last group did nothing.  After the 30 days the groups were once again tested on how many free throws they could make.  The last group didn't improve at all, the first group improved by 24% and the second group improved by 23%. 

I, as well as many others, have experienced the power of visualizing.  I know that I cope with things much better when I visualize it first.  From the moment my husband expressed interest in surgery I began visualizing what our life would be like, how I would react and cope with the new lifestyle.  Many situations I have visualized include:

What if I go into labor and my husband is stuck in surgery?
What kind of patience will I have to have when its been days since my husband has been home to help with the children?
How will I react when my husband finally is home but is too tired to help with anything because he's been on call all night?
What will I do if my car breaks down and my husband isn't available to help?
How will I cope with the unpredictability of every day?

Even with these visualizations and scenario practices it has still been difficult to cope with this change of lifestyle.  But as I prepare myself for these situations I am able to react much better when problems arise.

OMS wives, how have you dealt with and prepared for these type of situations?

Be Confident

A few years ago I was talking with my sister-in-law (whose husband is an investment banker) and asking her how she handles her husband being gone so much.  We talked about a lot of things, but one thing that has stuck with me is her telling me that you have to be confident in yourself.  About a month or so prior to our conversation she had an experience where the  pipes backed up in their kitchen and got icky drainage water everywhere (it happened a few times in a row actually).  It was a big pain, but she couldn't rely on her husband to help in any way.  She had to figure out how to handle and take care of the situation herself.  And you know what, she did and it was fine.

 

I consider myself fairly independent, but there are certain things that I feel like my husband is just better at handling so I usually refer them to him.  For example, fixing stuff.  I was raised to use tools and fix things myself, but I've learned through our marriage that my husband tends to be able to do it much faster than I can.  I find my time is better spent doing other things, so I let him handle the fixing. 

The other day we had a clogged tub.  Since we only have one tub and I couldn't give my son a bath, I was hoping my husband would have time to fix it fairly quickly.  But it was a week where he was on call almost every other night and I knew he would be tired.  So, one day while my son was watching a show, I looked up how to take apart the drain stop, I opened the drain, cleared it out and had the tub working in 10 minutes.  I was very proud of myself, not for just doing it, but doing it quickly.  A few nights ago our toilet paper holder came apart.  Its not like any kind we had before and I wasn't really sure how it worked, but I knew my husband had tweaked it in the past so when the weekend came I asked him to fix it.  He insisted that nothing needed to be tightened or twisted, but when I went to use it, it fell apart again.  I didn't want to bother him with it because I prefer that he either gets rest or spends time with our son when he can.  Looking closer I found the problem and, once again, had it fixed in just a few minutes. 

 

I'm not usually so quick at being handy, so I can't take all the credit for myself.  I know the Lord has quickened my understanding so I can take care of the things that need to be done.  They may sound like silly examples, but its these experiences that build confidence in myself and let me know that (with the Lords help) I can figure out and handle anything.

Learning from other's experiences

In deciding whether Oral Surgery Life was right for our family, we tried to look for examples around us of others that held a similar lifestyle as a surgeon.  We were fortunate to have my husband's brother and his family as a type of example. 

His brother chose to go into investment banking.  It is not uncommon for him to work 100-120 hour weeks.  He has a pager that he wears and can be called into work at any time to work on a deal.  For that reason, they never travel more than an hour away.  They can also never commit to anything because they never know if he is going to have to work or is going to get called into work. 

They had their third child not long after he began his job.  They were fortunate enough to find an apartment that was only 5 minutes from his work.  This allows them to spend some extra time together that they normally wouldn't have.  They will meet him for lunch on occasion and sometimes he can come home for dinner before he goes back to work. 

I talked to my sister-in-law many times about how she deals with their situation.  It is definitely a struggle for her.  She has her hands full all day and most of the night.  Sometimes her husband will come home just before bed and the kids will get riled up wanting to play with dad, which means a rough day following.  She will have her schedule of things to do, her husband will come home unexpected and things suddenly change. 

It was definitely a change of lifestyle, but they adjusted.  It is exhausting for their family and although not exactly the same as residency life, there were many similarities when I spoke with other surgery wives.  It helped me to see how hard that lifestyle can be, helped me to visualize the future to see if I could handle it, but most importantly, draw strength from my sister-in-laws experiences and advice. 

My hope is that, if you don't have someone like this in your life to draw on, that you can find what you need here on this blog to help your family make the right decision for you.

Interviews

We were told to expect to pay around $10,000 between applications fees and interviews.  This will vary based on how many programs you apply to and interview at, how far you have to travel as well as if you have any connections for flights or hotels (friends to stay with, free flights etc) during the interview process, but we personally found it to be fairly accurate.

One thing you can do to help your husband is to find hotels (or friends or family to stay with) and flights.  Some schools are supportive of their dental students pursuing specailties and will have no problem with them missing clinic or class time, but our school wasn't, so we had to be very careful about when we scheduled his flights.

Because my husband had so many interviews close together he was gone for 2 weeks straight.  Traveling through so many time zones so close together was rough on him.  Not to mention it was rough on our little boy having dad leave for a few days, be home for a few days only to leave again (our little boy is also extremely attached to his dad) so that is what was best for us.  Again, something you have to prepare yourself for.

Ask your husband to inform you about what each of the programs are like after he interviews there.  It will help you decide together which program is best for your family.  Your husband will be looking for different things than you.  He will want to know what the program focus is, how many residents they take, the personalities of residents and attendings, and how many hospitals the program services (which should matter to you too because the more travel your husband has the less time he is at home).  Those things should be important to you too because it will determine how happy your husband is in his residency.  The things you might be more interested in are things like: cost of living, how close you can live to his program (and thus how long of a commute it will be), schools, friends and family that live nearby, things to do nearby (parks, museums etc.) and the safety of the areas.  Ask your husband to try to pay attention to these things if they come up.  You might want to ask him to make connections with residents there too.  If there are any residents with wives that are willing to speak with you, it will give you a better idea of what that program will be like. 

The most important advice I received about this step of the process is:
DON'T GET ATTACHED TO ANY PROGRAMS

It's hard to do because you want to be informed so you can make a good decision about ranking the programs, but you don't have any control over where you go, so you don't want to be disappointed when you don't get into your favorite program. 

Just keep in mind all the pros and cons so, if you do match, you can refer to the pros list of the programs your husband gets into and start getting excited about your new home.